“Kierstin, you are such a beautiful girl but you just really need to loose some weight.”
Yes, this is a real thing someone has said to me. Someone that I love dearly.
My worth and value have always been found in how I look. I’ve always been “too tall”, “too fat”, “not pretty enough”, my feet are too big, my lips are too small, my thighs jiggle when I walk and if I look down I have a double chin. As a kid and teenager I was fed lies that guys wouldn’t like me because I was tall and a “bigger girl” and I believed these lies. I’ve hid behind what I wear and not showing my real self to the people around me because I’m scared that they won’t like me.
I felt unworthy of love because the people closest to me seemed to always be choosing things or other people above me. I believed that I was not worthy of being loved by anyone- not by a man, a father, a friend, a sibling…. I felt alone.
For years I struggled with suicidal thoughts and when that first came to light I was told that suicide was for people who wanted a way out, that it meant I was weak rather than encouraged in my worth and how loved and seen I was by the Father.
When I felt alone and unloved, I turned to anything I could think of for comfort. I ate too much junk food and created unhealthy habits and relationships via the Internet. My insecurities grew and I never found freedom.
I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Like the song in the Lizzie McGuire movie “You’ve been searching the world to find true love
Looking in all the wrong places
When all of the time you’ve been blind to love
It’s plain as the nose on your faces.
It’s here, it’s now
Don’t you know its been here all along
If only you look
Right here, right now
Love has been right by your side
So close that you couldn’t see
If love could speak, it would shout to the sky
“I’ve always been here, I always will be”
I’m here, I’m now.”
UM HELLO!!! THATS JESUS!
Guess what? The one that loves me more than anyone else in the world could ever love me says “You are enough, precious and loved.” He says “Kierstin, I love you. You are looking for love from people that love you but will always fail you. Let me love you. You are EXACTLY who I created you to be. I don’t care what you look like. I never abandoned you and I never will.”
The enemy has been trying to attack me with these lies a lot lately and I’m NOT having it. I AM loved. I AM worthy. I AM worthy of love. I’m choosing to believe the truths that Papa speaks over me every day and find freedom in who I am in Him.
I’m a daughter of the RISEN KING and He is the only one that gets to say who I am. I belong to HIM!!!
