Sad.
I feel really sad. As I quickly approach leaving to squad lead, I am becoming more and more sad. Excited! But also sad.
When I left for the world race, I wasn’t all that sad. The sadness didn’t hit me until the day I left. Over the past two weeks as the days inch closer my tears have increased. It took me a while to understand why…When I left the first time, I knew I was coming home to the same house, my same bed, my family and yes, small things would be different like the kids growing or maybe a pet passing but I knew that ultimately, everything would be the same.
This time, as I inch closer to leaving, everything is changing. As I have begun to realize more and more about myself, I have found that I hate change and that some of my biggest fears are of loss and separation. These fears are happening before my eyes. The place I have called home over the past year or so, will no longer be my home, the people I have had by my side will no longer by physically with me and some may not even be in this town when I return in December. I hate that. As long as I can remember I have loved and thrived in consistency and been a creature of habit in all aspects. The race can be hard because you don’t really have that so that has challenged and stretched me a lot, but I am excited for more growth.
So this week and this morning I packed all of my things, parked my car at a friends house, moved out of my apartment, my roommates moved out and on to new seasons and I am seriously grieving what I am leaving behind. But this, what’s next, is something I have asked for and prayed for for 2 and a half years and I cannot believe that the Lord has answered my prayers. I am so in love with papa and his gift of allowing me to lead and love W squad.
As the days inch closer to our departure for Mongolia and since training starts today, I am choosing to process and grieve this season and the life I love here in Gainesville well. I am also choosing to not stay there, I can grieve this season well and also move forward in obedience to the Lord. It isn’t easy. The last 3 weeks I have had so many “I want to quit” thoughts but I was reminded that I have committed my life to obedience regardless of comfortability and I will not compromise that.
I’m saying goodbye to Gainesville for now in order to pursue the Lord in obedience.
I’m saying hello to W squad, living a missional life overseas and my leadership team in order to pursue the Lord in obedience.
Lord, I want to thank you for this sweet season in Gainesville. Thank you for the apartment and safe spaces you gifted me with. Thank you for incredible jobs and co-workers that have blessed me tremendously. Thank you for Monday morning worship at adventures in missions and for loving me so well and speaking sweetly to me through worship, through your word and through other people. Last but not least, thank you for my roommates. The pals that have loved me, challenged me, walked with me, listened to me, saw me, and heard me. I didn’t always have to speak in order to be heard, I didn’t need to be sad in order to be cared for. Thanks for mine and Jordie’s late night kitchen talks, for mine and Ellie’s hallway conversations about life and work. Thanks for Morgan’s hugs and warm, loving presence each day. Thanks for sweet memories with these wonderful people. I am so loved by you and them and I can’r say thank you enough!
Let’s do this thing!!!
