I am not enough.
As a child at a young age I learned that there were many people who loved and cared about me.
However, to some of those people, I wasn’t enough.
In particular there was one person I loved the most, my dad. But to him I just wasn’t enough. Did he love me? OF COURSE! More than (almost) anything, but there was still one thing that he loved more than me.
Himself.
My father was addicted to drugs and alcohol. It had a really big grip on his life and unfortunately he could never quite let it go. He loved me for sure, but he loved himself more. Why do I say that? Because he was selfish. If he had truly loved me more than the drugs and alcohol(even though it would have been INCREDIBLY difficult) he would have overcome it for me. But he didn’t, and finally in 2011 that addiction took his life.
Am I angry at him? No.
Am I hurt by his actions? Yes.
Unfortunately, he chose his addictions over me, I just wasn’t quite enough for him. He loved me but I couldn’t fill the void in his heart that he longed to have filled. I wish I had been but at the same time, I know I never would have been able to. The only one that would have ever been enough for him is Jesus. And he knew Jesus, just not fully. I know it almost sounds cliche to say those things but it’s so true.
I’m almost 23 years old now and I have dealt with serious fear of rejection since I was young because in a way I was rejected by my own father. I am afraid that I just won’t be enough for people. And to an extent, I won’t but it has instilled a piece of my heart that says “I will never be enough,” “I will never be accepted”, or “I will never be fully loved by another human. There will always be something that they find is better than relationship with me.” If that thing is Jesus that’s good! I want Jesus to be more important and worth more than me, because I know He is. But outside of Jesus I feel as though there are other things that people will always find of more value or worth more to them than I am. That is incredibly painful.
I realize that this has effected my relationships over the years.
I also have experienced it from more than just my father but also from other people like friends. There was always something better, I was good for a season or when they didn’t have what they ultimately wanted, but as soon as they got what they really wanted, I wasn’t enough anymore.
Fortunatley, I AM enough.
I may never be quite enough for any one here on earth but 2,000 years ago, I was enough. I was worth so much that a perfect man, saw it necessary to die for me because I WAS worthy of love, of life, of happiness, of all the good things that he wanted to give me. I was worth him sacrificing his literal LIFE for me. I was enough.
I am enough.
Maybe not for the people that I selfishly desire to be enough for but for a God who created me and the entire universe. For a God who fills all the holes in my heart, who would have filled all the holes in my dad’s heart, a God who loves unconditionally, a God who is NOT EVER selfish, a God who wants me to truly experience the love of a father. And since my earthly father isn’t here anymore to show me that true love, He will.
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(Just to clarify…This is in no way meant to bash my dad. I loved him and I know that he loved me. However, because of some of his actions over the years I have been negatively affected. Despite that, I have found the love of my heavenly father which is so so much greater than that of my earthy father.)
P.S.
Friends,
I am asking for your help. I am seriously falling behind on fundraising. I need to be fully funded by June 1st in order to go on a week long mission trip at the end of this program. In order to be fully funded I just need 100 people to donate $45.
Will you be one of the 100?
